KNOWING THAT:

- Time is perceived differently in Valinor than it is in Middle-earth, AKA the world as we know it.
- This difference in time perception is such that
*exactly* one hundred forty-four years here is perceived as one year there. - The mechanism in which time is perceived differently is known as time dilation.
- Time dilation is a function of general relativity, and occurs with enormous changes in velocity relative to the constant speed of light in a vacuum,
*c*. - Calculating time dilation is actually so easy an undergraduate could do it!

Assume that Elves are running at "proper time," or

*⌂t*. As we experience a time dilation factor of 144.0000, we set

*⌂t* to 1 and

*⌂t**' *to 144. From there, it's a bunch of basic algebra as we solve for

*v*, or the velocity of a stationary dweller of Middle-earth relative to that of a stationary Elf in Valinor. Input our data...

...and there we have it. We are experiencing a dilation factor of 298749698.5.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Assume that it takes the typical Adan three-fourths of a second to walk a meter; that is, he walks at a pace of 0.75 s/m. To obtain the velocity, simply take the reciprocal of that value: 1.333 m/s. Divide this number by our dilation factor to determine the actual velocity of an Elf, from our perspective, who believes himself to walking at the

*exact same pace*.

Now, please excuse me if I cannot obtain a firm grasp on just how

*slow* this Elf must be moving. Let's convert back to seconds per meter, and then crunch that number down into something more meaningful.

...seven years to walk one meter. My gods, Elves are full of phail.

EDIT: I suppose it would be fair to point out that 1 meter to an Elf would be 289,749 kilometers to us over here in Middle-earth due to Lorentz contraction. But, on the other hand, that's only because Lorentz contraction causes that Elf to expand in the direction in which he's travelling. Ergo, Elves in Valinor are 298749698 times fatter than they are in Middle-earth.

On the plus side, the only weigh 1/298749698th as much as they do over here.

Relativity is screwy.

EDIT 2: Fuck LJ Cuts.